Needless to say, this past year has felt like it’s been storm after storm with no sunshine anywhere out there. Frankly, I’m exhausted-mentally and emotionally, but thankfully not completely physically (girl has to get her workout in). It just seems like every time something starts to “feel” right the roof blows off; start to repair that and oh look here comes another storm to break down the walls. After a while, all you are left with is the ground to begin to rebuild from the foundation up. Right now, that’s where I feel like I am, standing with nothing, but the ground and a few left over bricks and boards. So, I’m drawing and designing and hoping this craptastic year doesn’t repeat. I’m sick of storms, I want some damn sunshine and rainbows.
Through each one of these “storms”, I was knocked down, emotionally, mentally, and physically, but I’d get back up somehow and continue on my journey; taking a lesson along each time. Reflecting back I see now that I grew each time I got back up, sometimes in more ways than one. I learned and am still learning lessons in love, loss, taking a chance, facing a fear, giving, loyalty, trust, maturity, gratitude, selflessness, and rejection. There’s probably more, but that’s what I’ve got for now.
With all of those “storms”, I am now desperate to find that place of peace and happiness, and to move forward one small step at a time. Moving forward and growing means letting go of what has caused pain, turbulence, anger, grief, and distress, while allowing joy, peace, happiness, and serenity to enter. That’s where I am now, trying to let go of the things that are inhibiting growth, people that cause unnecessary turbulence, and learning to not let situations control me, but control how I respond to them. Writing has sorta of been my way about this because for me it’s freaking hard to find that outlet that is judgment free, trustworthy, and compassionate to bounce ideas off of, vent, send you a wake up call, make you feel like your ideas and thoughts are worthy without shutting you down. Writing and this blog is oddly enough one of the places where I feel secure and my ideas and thoughts can be heard by the universe (and anyone who reads it).
I am now at this weird place in my life where I feel very unfocused, insecure, and am questioning everything. Especially in the realm of fitness and cycling, but it spills over into my daily life. Yes, I like to ride, run, and lift, but why? My time on the bike and when I run is my “me” time, where I think through things, have “arguments” with people and sometimes start a mental blog post. I’m also trying to do this “training” thing… but motivation is not where it used to be. It’s hard to focus on a workout when you are also sorting out thoughts. I think this winter there is going to be a lot of cross training- still bikes, but also running more, and a consistent lifting schedule. The shocker… a lot less mountain biking. When something you love becomes something you dread having to do it’s time to take a step back and go what changed? Maybe next year mountain biking won’t be my “focus”, maybe it will be something I do with the Jr’s and youth teams and ride for fun occasionally. Fun, that’s what it was lacking towards the end of this season and that’s what I need back. FUN! So here’s to a winter of road bikes and cx bikes, running, and lifting. A winter where I hopefully “get it together”, come back in a better place that I left off, and get some new ink! My journey is just beginning.
“It’s a brand new, the sun is shining, it’s a brand new day, for the first time in such a long long time, I know, I’ll be ok”